Mortality

I have found that I can now feel like 3 or 4 feelings at once. Even over a course of a day the wave of emotion that can come and go. I am more dialed in now because when I hit some of those tough emotions…it is for shit, tough.

Most recently it has been challenging for me to read or see instances of death surrounding breast cancer. The passing of Olivia Newton John and her 30 year battle with breast cancer. I haven’t been able to read anything about it or look at social media posts. It feels very real and sits so much more on the forefront of recognizing that it could happen to me.

When I first found out about the cancer, and the statistics about my diagnosis, I saw images of a memorial service for me. And that, hit me in a way I had not felt before. It became a reality I was not at all ready to face and put me at the forefront of reflecting on my own mortality. Death has always been there, but in the background of my consciousness. It always felt very distant. And now, it is something I can actually touch. Nothing like cancer to reflect on how precious life is and how time is fleeting. What the actual fuck is that…

I am not afraid of death. It is always something I felt peaceful about and knew it was a calling back home. I think it hits a deeper nerve because I am not finished here yet. Frankly, I just got fuckin’ started. And the sadness that comes from the feeling of leaving behind loved ones. Feeling their sadness is truly like a punch in the gut. 

I recently had a philosophical friend say to me, what does it matter if we live to 200 or two more days. At first, the comment took me back. In my head, I thought, well because I am not ready to die. 

She followed it up with, when we are born into this life, we are born into preconceived constructs that society has placed on us and most of the time don’t mean much of anything. And we must live, and feel and breathe within them. This made me pause. This hit another nerve. Because there is a knowing to her statement that I deeply understood. 

This whole construct of time and this whole construct of death has been discussed and debated for decades. Where this isn’t a philosophical rant, I find it so interesting the emphasis we place on all of it, and how it is all part of our own projections. Because what do we absolutely know to be true?

I knew I wanted to write about this topic. It has been sitting within my heart for a while. Frankly, it felt way too heavy to go there. To actually see the words laid out in front of me. But, today is the day, and here I am professing. I don’t have any answers or a clear set idea of what it all looks like or means. For me, there seems to be a settling with it all and a clearer perspective. I don’t know if it makes sense when someone reads this reflection, but it makes sense to me. I can feel it within my body. Like I released it through my words with my fingers. 

Strangely, that brings me a feeling of peace and a feeling that I don’t have to hold onto this fear any longer  Because frankly, it wasn’t mine to begin with.