I am losing my hair
My hair is falling out…FUCK! I mean, I know I was all excited about this change but shit, it is actually falling out. The hair is coming out in strands. When you pull on one, a few come with it. It’s like unraveling a ball of twine. My new mode for styling is now pulling out hairs to get the other ones in place. And funny enough, the gray hairs want to hang on. Those little fuckers.
My doctor said it would take 3 weeks of chemo treatments before you start to see your hair fall out, and this mother is right on schedule. I have been noticing and feeling sensation on the top of my head for about a week now, and I couldn’t quite place what I was feeling. My sister found a description that made sense. For women, it is when you wear your hair in a ponytail all day, and that feeling on your scalp once you remove the ponytail for the first time. Yup, that be it.
Right before the hair started to make its exit, my scalp felt more raw. Almost like a slight burning on top of my head. Like taxol, the chemo drug, is purposely burning the hairs from my body. Not like an incinerator but definitely turning up the heat. An ice pack helped relieve some of the discomfort.
As soon as it started, I asked my sister, “Does my hair look any thinner?”
And she laughed, and said “No! “You probably notice it more because you know your hair. And you might not lose all of it, some people’s hair will just thin.”
I get an image of me rocking a GI Jane haircut. That would be pretty badass, wouldn’t it? I see myself doing a one-armed push-up in army-pants and a white tank, in some dank gym and as I lower myself down saying “FUCK CANCER!”
I honestly can’t picture myself bald.
I am trying not to touch my head because every time I do, hair gets caught in my fingers. If I make a full sweep of my head, hairs seem to naturally be drawn to my hands. Where I don’t feel scared of it, it is unsettling to so easily pull hair out. I mean, I am used to it, in a sense. I have thick, curly hair and it is a normal occurrence. But, this time, I know, these hairs aren’t going to grow back. At least, not right away.
It’s like a scab where you know you shouldn’t pick at it, but you can’t help yourself.
I washed my hair for the first time this past Sunday. If you are going through chemo and want to quickly remove your hair, this is the way to do it. It felt like a horror movie, instead of blood going down the drain, it was my hair. It was probably the quickest shower I ever took.
I am not sure if I was shocked to see all the hair going down the drain or if I was scared I would emerge with half my hair gone. Luckily, that didn’t happen because I have a lot of hair. The water just propelled the thinning.
The cruel joke of finally getting a cute haircut that feels like ‘me’ and I only get to have it for one week. How much time do I have left with the hair on my head?
A childhood friend of mine, and when I say childhood, we go back to kindergarten, sent me this beautiful picture of when she did a big chop of her hair back in 2010. She cut her long hair to just one inch. Where she didn’t fully explain why, I could infer that was part of a transformational process for her. She encouraged me to lock in the date to when I do my most drastic haircut. I wonder if that will be sooner than later.
FUCK. FUCKITY. FUCK.
Okay, hair - let’s do this shit!
